And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
