bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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