i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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