I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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