If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
