If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
