I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You took a bar mat shot.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
