The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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