I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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