I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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