yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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