Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
