i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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