I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
