I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
