Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
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