I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I smell like Dick and happiness
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
