I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
