It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
