I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
