im drinking this country out of the recession.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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