My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
