I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize