She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
