I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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