Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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