They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
