You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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