Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i love accidental penises.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
