I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
