I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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