Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Green mimosas i think yes
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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