I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
