Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
