I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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