If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
