didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
They took my balls.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
