I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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