It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
