Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
