It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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