What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
