Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
