i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
