fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
