Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize