So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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