Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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