roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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