I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
