I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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