My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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