I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
