She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
