Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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