so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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