JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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