I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
