Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
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